Wednesday, December 31, 2008

to 2oo8.

Here's wishing everyone a happy, healthy new year!

If you're in the Boston area and heading out tonight, please be careful on the roads.
See you all in 2oo9!

Thursday, December 25, 2008

i would be merry.. but i'm Hebrew.

Until I was about 4 or 5 - when my brother started going to Sunday school - my family wasn't very well-educated about our religion. So, for those magical couple of years, we hung stockings and joined in all the reindeer games. There was one Christmas where my parents used a package of all kinds of flavored Lip Smackers (back before they had all that glittery, sparkly gloss and their flavors only ranged from vanilla to peppermint to bubble gum) to stuff my stocking. I was so excited and the smell those chapsticks always brings me right back.
I love Christmas and, regardless of your religous beliefs, today is December 25th and it is Christmas. With that said, I hope it's a good one, no matter how you're spending it. I wish you all happy holidays and a healthy new year.

To my girl, Becky, and all others who are spending their holiday inpatient:
I know it's hard. I know it's hard enough to fight at any point of the year, but especially during the holidays. I hope you all get to spend time with your loved ones. Push yourselves so that, next year, your holidays can be spent without restrictions (of any kind) and being with your families.. not your doctors (as much as we love.. most.. of them).
I love you all. Hang in there. <3
Karen: So what's this big news, then?
Daisy: We've been given our parts in the nativity play. And I'm the lobster.
Karen: The lobster?
Daisy: Yeah!
Karen: In the nativity play?
Daisy: Yeah, *first* lobster.
Karen: There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus?
Daisy: Duh.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

kids don't think like us: barbie.

I have been mulling over the idea of this for a while and (once again) Jezebel finally inspired me to come out with it. For as far back in my adult life as I can remember, I have been swamped with the idea that Barbie is a terrible influence. She "sets unrealistic standards" of being able to carry out any and every job in the world and having a gait so fragile, she would have to walk on all fours... if she was real. (She's not, by the way.) This used to upset me. How could such an idea be used for a child's toy? What are they trying to teach?
I don't know about you guys, but when I was playing with Barbie dolls, as far as I was concerned, I had a pretty little doll that I could dress whatever style I wanted and she had fun tiny accessories. (I always loved things that were far smaller than what the item should be, or crazy over-sized.) She would go shopping, she would go to the movies, and, occasionally, she would end up horizontal on top of a genitalia-less Ken. (Come on now, we've all done it.) She was just a woman that I could drive around in her hot pink car when I was years from a license and one that I could learn how to french braid on (although, Cabbage Patch dolls were far easier to learn with). I never looked at her and thought I wish I could look like that. Her little cone-like boobs were never something I dreamed of someday growing. Oh, and I hated that I couldn't put her in a split or move her arms that much. She was plastic; woman-shaped (I used that phrase loosely, of course) plastic.

This society seems to be looking for anything they can use as a scapegoat for all the mental anguish in the world. Halo inspires kids to shoot up their school, Barbie pushes little girls to purge for her "figure," right? I don't buy it. I'm sorry. If anything, maybe they're the last straw. And, while I don't agree that kids should be playing violent, bloody video games, there has to be a foundation for the kind of mental state it takes to bring a gun to school. A child with a healthy mental base and upbringing knows that shooting is wrong and it's just a game. But this is besides the point.
We're adults. We know so much more, obviously, than we did as children. Their innocence, their lack of analysis and psychological information.. they see shapes and colors, toys and activities. I haven't taken a child's psychology class, so - if you have - please correct me if I'm wrong. I can't possibly imagine that a little girl (or boy - I don't judge) will pick up his or her first Barbie doll and think, "She's perfect. If I don't look like this piece of plastic, I am ugly, misshapen, and a horror show to the human race."
Sure, we could use more shapes of Barbie. A bigger Barbie, a "plumper" Barbie (I'd model myself after that one); yes, I think these should exist. A lot of other dolls come in all kinds of strange and unrealistic shapes, too, though. Dolls aren't really meant to be anatomically correct. They're meant to be toys.

I don't have a history of anorexia nervosa because I played with Barbies. I never once associated any of my toys with my undeniable quest for emaciation. Now, I don't want to assume this is the case for everyone. Maybe I'm wrong.
Would any of you in an way associate toys or childhood activities with your illness?

[P.S. I just noticed that my last post was my 1ooth of 2oo8. Woo!]

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

live from mass.

I always find it rather amusing the comments I end up with while on a minor blogging-hiatus. People seem to take the opportunity to skim back through my older entries and I get e-mails about comments on posts that I assumed were buried months ago. I like it; it's a nice reminder that just because I wrote a post upwards of a year ago, it's still affecting someone.

I have a job. I am working and, while I'm still looking for more to do, it feels pretty good to be worn down again. Shortly after writing my last post, I hit a wall and freaked out a little. I had no idea what I was supposed to do with myself. Of course, Mom is always my #1 reality check and I got a grip and did what I had to do. I'm, of course, making it sound a lot easier than it was, but that's not really important anymore.

I really want to write more. I was all up on my posts in November and then everything kind of piled up, but I'm back! Just try to contain yourselves.

Hope everyone's holiday season is running smoothly. Hang in there; it's supposed to be a happy time of year! The level of depression during the holidays makes me sad. I love this time of year. I wish, for the sake of the season, everyone could just let it go for this one month. What could it hurt? I believe, as we speak, my city of residency is getting it's first actual snow of the season. I hope it sticks :)

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

where my life at?

I always feel guilty when I don't write for long periods of time (i.e. 3 or more days pass without a post). I've been feeling really unmotivated about everything, lately, and generally unproductive with my day. Unemployment doesn't look good on me.

I've been kind of a physical mess lately. I spend most of my day in my pajamas, I go to bed between 3 and 4am and wake up between 11 and 1pm, I'm basically living off of Boost and ice cream as I'm financially very afraid of going to the grocery store (chill out, mom.. it's a slight exaggeration), I've been having some f-ed up dreams lately that are really screwing with my head, and I'm struggling to let stupid things go that I shouldn't have in the first place. Oh, and I find myself really missing my glasses in a most desperate kind of way.. especially when my career of choice involves me staring at a computer screen for absurd amounts of time.

The good news is, I'm doing FAR better with my status than I was 2 years ago when I was in this position. Nonetheless, I could be doing better.

So.. here's to positive thinking and getting my ass off this damn couch.. and getting in touch with my school about jobs that are actually in my industry and could help me far better than throwing myself into retail suicide. I'm going to fine.

Monday, December 1, 2008

"i eat 33,000 calories a day."

Okay, I'm on a pretty hefty weight-gain meal plan, but there is a line to be drawn.

We have all seen them on Lifetime, or whatever; the so morbidly obese, they haven't been out of their beds in over 10 years and needed a forklift to get to the hospital when their body finally couldn't take it anymore. So many people sit and think, "Wow, what fat, lazy, disgusting people. How could you do that to yourself?" and can't seem to change the channel because it is just so amusing to watch people who can't get their life under control. In all fairness, these people put their lives on tv, which is totally their choice.

I never really felt much compassion for them. I mean, I didn't sit and mock them or anything; I didn't feel much at all. Just people on TV and something to watch. Most people just talk about how they love food and can't seem to stop and would like to lose weight, but don't really sound too determined.
Last night, my friend and I came across a show called, "I eat 33,ooo calories a day." It was different. They weren't talking about how much they loved food; they were talking about how addicted they were to it. One man is a self-confessed binge eater who has no idea how to stop. One man was in complete denial and said he had everything under control and only ate two meals a day. When they showed him his day's intake in a buffet-style spread, he refused to believe it, but couldn't sit in front of it for more than 5 minutes before he almost mindlessly began attacking it.
I was really intruiged by one woman, Jackie, who was approximately 500 or so pounds and was on a very dangerous slope. She talks about how she would sit down with a plate of food and nothing else existed for that time. It was as if she were in a "trance" while she was eating and would feel a sort of high for a very short period after before crashing into this intense self-hatred and guilt. I know that trance. I was in that trance every night of my spring semester, freshman year of college.

I always find it really interesting how much the eating disorder is really not about the number on the scale; that's just a terrible side-effect. We gain weight, we lose weight, we binge, we purge, we starve, we hate. An eating disorder is an eating disorder, and it's so painful to watch someone else experience the things that you have.

I wish I could talk to Jackie.