Friday, May 23, 2008

sticks and stones.

"talk about addiction. i've finally broken all of 'em.
this is the first time in my life i don't feel fragile.
you can't turn back after that."

i'm honestly a little surprised by the person that i said this to for the first time, but i've been thinking it for a while. every time i overcome something that sucks, my skin becomes a little thicker. and now, it would take a lot more than a few petty words of disapproval or rejection to tear me down. i'm a fuckin' beast.
[there isn't a doubt in my mind that one of the infamous events going on in my life right now continues to reinforce this, no matter how violent it makes me want to become..]

i've realized i am more independant that i have ever been; this is as solid as i've ever stood. if there was a time for what i'm working on... this is it. this new chapter's reading pretty well, actually.

Monday, May 19, 2008

umm, no shit?

a new and recent study shows that childhood anxiety disorders may worsen the later onset of anorexia.

is it just me, or is this statement as blatantly obvious as, "people with the black plague may be more prone to death"??

Saturday, May 17, 2008

nowhere to go, but up.

i consider the diploma that i received today my closure to the past 4 years of my life. according to the school, it was only for going through their photography program. for me, i feel like it was a really appropriate way to conclude everything that i've been doing since walking away from westborough high 4 years ago this month.

it took me a long time to get past the fact that i would not have 4 consecutive years at one school like the rest of my friends did. i felt rather inadequate for a while and it was difficult to work through that. i spent a lot of my time being babysat in treatment centers and hospital rooms while my friends were out doing what we're expected to do. it was hard to think that i wasn't any less of an 18-21 year old during that time, which i realize sounds beyond ridiculous.

now, i would say my experiences were something i can be pretty happy about going through. my time at dean was undeniably life-changing. the progression of my disease certainly would have gone differently had it not been for being there and i think it happened just as it needed to. while i was struggling to keep myself together in california, i can't seem to remember anything negative about that trip. i was rewarded with the feeling of being accepted into a great program at a 4-year institution, even if i ended up turning it down. and CDIA.BU... well, there really couldn't have been a more perfect time for that to come along. as for everything else that has become more than common knowledge, i am far from ashamed that i have spent so much of the last 3 years fighting my demons. in fact, i have never been more proud of myself in almost 22 years that i have gotten to this point exactly how i did. i wouldn't take a second of it back for anything, because i'm finally being rewarded with the life that i never used to think i deserved.

the fun facts my mom loves pointing out is that, out of high school, i wanted 3 things so badly that i strongly believed i would never have: to attend BU, to live in the boston area, and to graduate college with the same class i graduated high school with. i got it all in my own way, just as i've always done things. it feels pretty damn good.

so, here's to the end of another chapter and to the beginning of a new one.
i am so proud of all of the people that i have watched grow in the past 4 years in all of their own ways and i am proud to see the amazing things that many of the people i love are headed for.
thank you to everyone who had my back through the worst and best of it (and some of you don't know who you are, but i'll be sure to let you know). there are really no words for what it means to have you in my life.

congratulations to the class of 2oo8.
no matter your age,
no matter your definition of "graduation",
no matter how you got there.
no excuses, no regrets.

Friday, May 9, 2008

i'm alive! promise.

dear readers,

thank you for your patience. i know this is probably the longest i have gone without updating since, well, february 8th. the past 2 weeks have been the final 2 weeks of my photography education at cdia-bu and i have been cramming to finish my practicum client's final deliverable (that can be viewed on my personal blog) and getting together everything that was owed to the school for my gallery show and archiving. it was probably the most stressed i have ever been in my life.

on top of all else, i snapped a few days ago - something i haven't done for as long as i can remember. "why" no longer matters. i have gotten it out of my system to the people i owe my life to and i actually feel no desire to go back into it. ahh, the magic of letting things go.
now, i didn't go into it with my mom. she called, asked me if everything was ok (she "feels" me), i said i didn't want to talk, and we hung up. however, she's discovered a new way to bring my spirits up. we don't have to talk, she doesn't have to know what's going on, but it's officially a no-fail solution. even if it doesn't make me suddenly feel fantastic, you can't help but crack a smile... or die, laughing.

she sends me videos, like the ones i'm posting below. and we end up finding more and sending them back and forth even if we don't say anything else... for at least an hour.
next time you're going out of your mind and are running out of coping mechanisms, open up this post (and grab a snack). i *dare* you to tell me it doesn't make your day just a little bit better.

(this one's my favorite.)

how was there nothing about kitten videos in my dbt workbook...
oy, my roommate's cat just took me over. can't...actually see the screen anymore. i should go :P