"aw, fuck it. i don't want to be in this seat anymore."

it's becoming difficult for me to sit in php.
i mean, i do love being able to give advice and feedback
based on my own experiences and the fact that i've come through them,
and i love that i am no longer the one looking for it...
and i know that i should give it a little longer
because it's always better to stay past the point you think...
i'm just not connecting with the discussion anymore.
triggers? challenges? thought/body distortion?
nope. sorry. not here.
i'm just here for weight restoration.
which is happening.
so if i hit my goal for tuesday
(hopefully, higher...),
then meghan and i are going to have a talk.

the hardest to learn was the least complicated.

it's amazing to learn all these things i've been learning.
to grow the way i've been growing
and gain the wisdom about my life
that i fear too many people never get to gain
because they don't want to fight.
because they don't want to learn.
they want to sit, and dwell, and soak in the co-dependency.
i was there. i know why that's so comfortable.

and sometimes, it hurts to fight. and it hurts to learn.
but once you pull through that, it feels so amazing to know
that you can get through anything.
to feel that strength that physically flows in your veins
as soon as you're able to tell yourself,
i'm okay. and, for once, you believe it.

and now, i present you with
"what i learned about myself today"...

i become a whiny, needy 16-yr-old version of myself
when i feel out of control of an anxiety-provoking situation.
you all knew that. my family definitely knows it.
i knew that.
but i never knew where it came from,
and i figured it out today while talking to amy about
why people regress in different situation.
and now that i know why i do it,
and that there's a reason behind it,
i know exactly what to do to catch myself next time.
it doesn't happen often lately,
but when it does... it's horrifying.
and humiliating... because i know i'm doing it.
i just didn't know how to bring myself back.

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross."
-meredith grey-

...and i'll learn how to fly.

i've decided to give my future some freedom.
which took a lot for me to do.

i've been planning my future since i was 5.
it's changed a lot, but i always worked it out.

i was going to live in a box in manhatten
until i made it big on broadway.
then i decided i'd rather live in l.a.
in a roach-invested apt until i
make it big in the film industry.

i also planned on going to berklee...
i mean, emerson.
wait, i mean mt. ida.
wait, no, aib...

i stopped living here...at 21.
i started doing everything that
would aim me in the direction of
25...30...50...

photography hasn't even brought me
to where i planned it would.
it set me on a path in the right direction,
but now i'm looking at a new career focus.

things change. plans change.
i don't know where the hell
i'm going to be next week...
let alone in 5-10 years.
i have the typical hopes:
steady my career, get married, have kids.

i've been dreaming of california,
and maybe that's where i'd end up.
or maybe i'm not supposed to live there.
maybe i'm going to end up in colorado.
maybe i'm going to raise my kids in mass.
there's no way of telling,
but i'm going to stop guessing
and let things happen as they will.

it's really so much more fun
to let yourself be surprised, anyways.

food for thought.

me·tab·o·lism (mĭ-tăb'ə-lĭz'əm)
n.

The chemical processes occurring within a living cell or organism that are necessary for the maintenance of life. In metabolism some substances are broken down to yield energy for vital processes while other substances, necessary for life, are synthesized.
The processing of a specific substance within the living body: water metabolism; iodine metabolism.

i'm learning that all of these words,
pertaining to nourishment,
become a metaphor for life in general.

as i became more and more unhealthy, physically,
so did my thoughts...my attitude...my relationships...

as my body regains strength and volume,
as do my emotions...my outlook...my inspiration...

i'm learning how to take care of myself, physically.
how to feed myself and how to allow myself to eat.
but at the same time,
i'm also learning to voice what i need,
to take care of myself, emotionally.
i'm learning to depend on myself for validity.
to depend on myself for happiness and confidence.


whenever people would tell me how strong i am
to be able to fight through my disease,
i'd thing to myself, yeah, if only you knew
what i had to do to keep my head above water every day.
i'm weak as fuck.
but yesterday, timmy mentioned it.
and for the first time, i agreed.
i'm in control of my life now.
not my eating disorder.
not the people that i wanted
to hold my hand through everything.
me.

and it feels fucking incredible.