Wednesday, November 28, 2007

the hardest to learn was the least complicated.

it's amazing to learn all these things i've been learning.
to grow the way i've been growing
and gain the wisdom about my life
that i fear too many people never get to gain
because they don't want to fight.
because they don't want to learn.
they want to sit, and dwell, and soak in the co-dependency.
i was there. i know why that's so comfortable.

and sometimes, it hurts to fight. and it hurts to learn.
but once you pull through that, it feels so amazing to know
that you can get through anything.
to feel that strength that physically flows in your veins
as soon as you're able to tell yourself,
i'm okay. and, for once, you believe it.

and now, i present you with
"what i learned about myself today"...

i become a whiny, needy 16-yr-old version of myself
when i feel out of control of an anxiety-provoking situation.
you all knew that. my family definitely knows it.
i knew that.
but i never knew where it came from,
and i figured it out today while talking to amy about
why people regress in different situation.
and now that i know why i do it,
and that there's a reason behind it,
i know exactly what to do to catch myself next time.
it doesn't happen often lately,
but when it does... it's horrifying.
and humiliating... because i know i'm doing it.
i just didn't know how to bring myself back.

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross."
-meredith grey-

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