food for thought.

me·tab·o·lism (mĭ-tăb'ə-lĭz'əm)
n.

The chemical processes occurring within a living cell or organism that are necessary for the maintenance of life. In metabolism some substances are broken down to yield energy for vital processes while other substances, necessary for life, are synthesized.
The processing of a specific substance within the living body: water metabolism; iodine metabolism.

i'm learning that all of these words,
pertaining to nourishment,
become a metaphor for life in general.

as i became more and more unhealthy, physically,
so did my thoughts...my attitude...my relationships...

as my body regains strength and volume,
as do my emotions...my outlook...my inspiration...

i'm learning how to take care of myself, physically.
how to feed myself and how to allow myself to eat.
but at the same time,
i'm also learning to voice what i need,
to take care of myself, emotionally.
i'm learning to depend on myself for validity.
to depend on myself for happiness and confidence.


whenever people would tell me how strong i am
to be able to fight through my disease,
i'd thing to myself, yeah, if only you knew
what i had to do to keep my head above water every day.
i'm weak as fuck.
but yesterday, timmy mentioned it.
and for the first time, i agreed.
i'm in control of my life now.
not my eating disorder.
not the people that i wanted
to hold my hand through everything.
me.

and it feels fucking incredible.