Sunday, January 20, 2008

"you didn't have it all...but you will."

he said, while i sat, crying, on my hospital bed.

i've spent the last week or so wallowing in self-pity (excuse the cliché), which is far from the person i've been growing into. i just keep reminding myself of how far i've come and i can't let anything get in my way, now. i am on my way to having it all and there's no use in stunting that when i feel stuck. it just means i need to get off my ass and make a change, which is what i plan on doing this week.

i've been doing a lot of comparisons lately and i know it's all irrelevant. however, with my friends all graduating in 5 months after working their asses off for 4 straight years, i can't help but feel slightly inadequate. i've done very little since my high school graduation in terms of developing my career. what i have done in the past 3 1/2 years is really find myself and figure out who i am. i have learned more about life and gained an endless number of tools that i never would have gained in a college classroom.
sometimes, i hate every second that i have spent in this abusive relationship with my eating disorder. it has controlled my life for so long and could have easily ripped it from me, but i have no regrets. if someone told me they could erase my entire disordered past, i wouldn't do it.
this fight has been the hardest thing i have ever done and i've lost a lot through it all. but now, i feel like i can handle anything thrown at me. (mentally. don't throw shit at me.) it has brought me to a new level of intelligence and given me a significant appreciation for myself and everyone around me. those are two things you couldn't pay me all the money in the world to give up.
so now, after talking through this, i realize that as painful (and sometimes horrifying and mortifying) my last 3 1/2 years have been, i've done just as much time as anyone else. i'll finish school at my own pace. many people don't grab a BA 4 years after high school graduation and frolic off to a permanent career placement. hell, my therapist was in real estate until he was 30 before deciding to study psychology and eating disorders. everyone takes their own paths and, to be perfectly honest, i have been ashamed of mine for a long time. now, after 9 days of trying to pull an entry together that wasn't encrusted in self-pity, i realize that i am pretty fucking proud of my path and what i have accomplished in my life, so far.
on a slightly (but not completely) unrelated note: the other night in group, one of the girls and i got into a conversation about how differently we see people, now. we've found that, through our recovery, we have such a greater appreciation for the physical beauty in people, no matter what they look like. now that i finally feel comfortable in my own skin, i see other people with much less judgement than ever before. i see so many beautiful girls every day who don't even realize it and it makes me sad to know that, too often, no one's telling them. everyone deserves to hear it once in a while. i dare you to go out of your way to let someone know, today. i promise, it will make their day. and it can't be me - that's a total cop out :P

1 comment:

JaRube said...

You are the single most beautiful person I know.


I know, total cop out. Whatev