Tuesday, January 1, 2008

it was the best of times...it was the worst of times.

so...this is the new year. and i suppose, in a few ways, i don't feel any different. but, in a million and one ways, i do. very, very different. 2oo7 was the ultimate roller coaster. i think i have experienced every possible emotion in the past 365 days. love, spite, accomplished, inadequacy... it was in incredibly painful year with so many transformations. it can be hard for a person to keep up. and the site that all these occasions has brought me to was worth all the struggle. and i'm taking all that i have learned into 2oo8 and leaving the rest behind. it's clutter. baggage claim can lose it, but this is their only free pass.
i always say i have no regrets. and while some memories are painful - and even a bit (if not massively) mortifying - i needed to experience those and i will no longer consider them "fuck-ups". they were lessons, and important ones at that. it's in the past and i'm moving on.

that said, i have a confession to make. with all the growth and evolving i've been doing lately, i have one bad habit - a behavior, if you will - that i'm finding difficult to break: perfectionism. next to control, i hear that's kind of a huge issue with eating disorders... and i'm working on that. but i find that i'm slightly ashamed of still acting irrational about painful situations, letting events be painful to begin with, and even crying. like fighting through all of my weaknesses will suddenly make me strong enough to no longer feel hurt by anything. writing it out and seeing it in front of me, of course, makes it look even more ridiculous. alright, i get it.
my mom and a few friends have all voiced their concern with how hard i can be on myself. i know i am. and sometimes, i force myself to let it go and allow myself to be imperfect. other times, it's difficult and i become very frustrated. like, with my left-hand experiment. i have discovered i am actually starting to overcome that, though. this just occured to me, actually. i've started drawing again; i'm obsessed with it, actually. i stopped for a long time because i would become so incredibly angry with myself if a stroke didn't look just right. how i've never launched a sketchbook out a window blows my mind. but now, i find it more of a therapeutic activity than a competition with every other artist in the world. quite the opposite, i'd say.

on a completely different topic, do you ever find that when you're in a difficult situation, it seems to replicate itself everywhere it can? suddenly, every television show and movie you watch just happens to write your life into their script. like, when my mac's hd crashed, and then carrie's mac's hd crashed on that night's episode of 'sex and the city'. except...this is a little more...life-involved. i do, however, like how it was written into the episode of 'friends' i just watched. they made it seem so much funnier. much more than carrie bradshaw - she can be really dramatic. she's a lot of things i don't like about women. but now i'm off topic. bottom line - i am perpetually confused. and just when i think i have things perfectly sorted, i find...life doesn't allow for perfection. people don't learn from perfection. and twice, now, this theme plays into my entry.

on a lighter topic, new years was amazing. carissa and i decided to set dec 31 apart from every other night we hang out by throwing in required semi-formal dress and no less-than-usual bud lite ;) there's no group of people i would have rather rang in the new year with. it was a beautiful thing. pictures to come.

and to start the new year: for the first time in at least 14 years...i've avoided my disgusting habit for over 24 hours. and, as much as i can't believe i'm saying this, the urges are slowly but surely beginning to fade. i never would have thought it possible, but it's quite rewarding to find...well...it is.

in closing, i wish you all a happy, healthy new year, and good luck with all your resolutions :)
here's to new beginning's. l'chaim.

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