please die, ana.

i'm learning that there are different phases of recovery just like there are phases of mourning. and that's exactly what i'm doing: mourning the loss of my eating disorder. the stages are slightly different, but i've felt all of them. the order, in this case, goes something like: denial & isolation, depression, bargaining, (radical) acceptance, then anger.

this is not how i expected to feel when i was finally ready to walk away from my disease. i was pretty sure acceptance would be last and then i would just be forever happy. and i am happy, but i find that it's very difficult to not be angry about the time that i've lost to this fight. i know this wasn't my fault, but i can't help but feel like there might have been something i could have done to prevent it.

i feel like i've lost so much valuable time. i wonder what my life would have been like without being sick. maybe i would have my AA, maybe i would be graduating from CDIA tomorrow and starting the next portion of my education next month instead of finishing this semester. maybe i wouldn't have run half my relationships into the ground. maybe my body wouldn't be struggling to keep weight on and to keep my blood pressure and pulse regulated.

i keep reminding myself of the wisdom i've earned through all of this that i would never have, but i can't help but wonder if it was worth it. do the gains from my eating disorder really out-way the loses? when i word it like that, it seems horrible; no one should ever prefer to have an ED. i don't think it would bother me so much if it weren't for that one huge loss; the one thing that kept me going even when i was truly at rock bottom.

i guess this is just life and even in this anger, there are lessons still to be learned. so i'll take what i'm supposed to from it and move on the best that i know how. i wish there was a way i could show these disturbingly young victims i see what they're doing to their future. what they're really doing to their bodies.

in other news, i finally feel validated by my team at walden. they've come to realize that my stunted weight restoration is not connected to my eating disorder, but to my ocd. they've decided that mentally, i'm really ready to go and my discharge date has been set for next thursday! after 3 long months (and almost 3 long years of recovery), my intensive treatment has come to an end. it's now up to my outpatient team and i. i can't believe i'm done at walden.

my social worker and i discussed making an intake appointment at mclean's for their ocd program, which is supposed to be the best in the country. she told me she'd like to me spend some time outside of treatment with just my outpatient team for a while and see how things go and to think about it. mclean's program is only day and residential. i've been doing a lot of thinking and i've been doing a lot of work on my ocd on my own and i think i will be able to do this on my own. i've made a surprising amount of progress, actually, and i really think i'll be okay without another program. i do want to look into a therapist that specializes though, because i've never actually had a taste of really confronting my ocd. and...my insurance doesn't know i already have another therapist, so what's wrong with having two, huh?

i got this :)