Friday, October 24, 2008

happy anniversary. it's a big one.

The mission is simple: keep my head above water until January.  When the new year rolls around, I'll graduate, be done with the show that I'm co-assistant directing, and be let go from the photographer position I'm holding at the portrait studio for the holiday season.  Then, and only then, would I be able to calmly retreat from my life and receive help for my most recent and dramatic rock-bottom spiral.  Just three more months.
The red-flags were surrounding me like land-mines.  I had dropped all my meds, I was processing all of the nutritional numbers, but none of the nutrition, I was isolating, and the anxiety attacks.. oh, the anxiety attacks.  But, like we do, I ignored them all.  Nothing mattered but the ultimate goal: hold onto to my (imaginary) control.
There were three factors that played into aborting my oh-so-genius plan.  The first came on October 19th, the day that I would be told I was not only no longer above water, but I was already drowning.  I called Brie, my unfortunate partner in crime, having an unbearable panic attack at work.  Without delving back into the details, she insisted I go to the ER.  I told her I had to work, but didn't last long when I got back inside.  My mom took me to the hospital shortly after.
I was fine - and no one was particularly shocked - but this one wasn't getting past the two big guys (see also: drugs & therapy).  I had  appointments set up with each of them very shortly after.  Of course, the morning of those appointments (and I mean the morningest part of morning), is when factor two actually came along.  I was still full-blown on my "must please everyone else before saving my own life" path until this point, but there was really only one person that could've slapped me in the face the way that I needed to realize what I was doing to myself and everyone around me.  And he did.  And I was starting to realize that I didn't have it in me to finish everything I'd started anymore and I wouldn't.. until I went back.
Factor three wasn't so much a factor, because it was slightly against my will, but I saw the men.  I figured, perhaps they'd let me get away with some low-level outpatient for the next couple months.  However, my thought process was changing and I realized I wasn't going to make it strongly through the next three months at that point.
That afternoon, my mom and I found ourselves on the 5th floor - "upstairs" as some like to call it.  And there you have it.  It's my one year anniversary of the day I finally officially decided to kick the shit out of this thing and was admitted to the EDU.  I can't believe how much a person can change in a year.
My head's in a lot of different places right now.  This has been weirder for me to recall than I expected.  I guess it was kind of an intense experience, looking back on it..


rerobbi said...

Happy Anniversary! As I witnessed my beautiful daughter smash into a wall on October 24, 2007, a transformation took place in me too.

I had no choice but to be “present” and allow the process to unravel while I stood there holding my precious girl. I had so much admiration for Emily’s courage. While in the midst of drowning, Em intuitively allowed herself to “let go” of everything she believed she was controlling, and allow the people she trusted to take care of her.

Letting go is the hardest thing we can do because we’re not taught how to “let go”. We’re taught to hold on tightly. Holding on so tightly can panic us into not having the space to see the truth. We hold on to our money in fear that we’ll lose it. But what if loosing it is the best thing that could happen to us? We hold on to a loved one when it’s time for them to go for fear we’ll be alone. What if you let someone go only to find that your soul mate can now enter your life? I’ve learned that letting go isn’t about loosing at all. Letting go is the most loving thing a person can do for themselves. It brings peace to your soul. It’s the true meaning of faith.

I had to “let go” of my baby girl last year and walk away from her and trust she would care of herself. After all my belief system of holding her tightly did not stop her from smashing into a wall. Letting her go was like having my heart ripped out of my body when I first allowed it to happen. I learned it was the most loving thing I would do for her as well as myself. As the days went by the pain subsided and we both began a healing process that has made us stronger and wiser than we ever believed possible.

When we hold on to anyone or anything we suffocate ourselves.

I am humbled and blessed for the experience I witnessed a year ago with one of the most courageous and wisest people I know. I love you Em.

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much for sharing what has to be such a vivid moment in your life. Happy one-year anniversary!

Tiptoe said...

A year can make a huge difference. This anniversary marks a huge milestone for you, and you should be so proud of yourself at how far you have come.

Tracey said...

Happy Remeberance Day Em! You made it and continue to Live your Life to its fullest- yeah!

Congrats and Hugs- *t