Friday, December 14, 2007

in sickness and in health.

alright, i'm trying to use blogging as a distraction. i've been sitting with my lunch on my lap for nearly a half hour because there's something else my hands would rather be doing. (believe's not dirty. don't make a joke.) so now i'm trying to type between bites, instead.
i'm really sick of this. alright, i give myself a LOT a lot of credit for how far of come in battling one disorder, but this one is still driving me absolutely insane. IF i get help, i can't do it until after i leave walden, anyways. my insurance will not allow me to be enrolled in two programs at once. so i would finish up with my eating disorder treatment and then move on to mcleans for their ocd program (which is supposidly the best in the country). i hear the way they help their patients is opposite action... which sounds like absolute torture, but it cures people. i wanted so badly to think i could do it on my own. some days are really unbearable, though.
if you've ever seen the episode of scrubs with michael j. fox... yeah... it's kinda like that. obviously, his was worse. a lot of people are like, "you have ocd? well, i've never noticed anything. it must not be that bad." it's not always so blatant. but it's just as torturous. there was a part at the end of the show where he's psychotically washing his hands and then he just... screams. and i twitched because i felt it. the same way girls cry when their soap opera counter-part gets dumped on her doorstep by her perfect-for-her ex-boyfriend. you feel it. you know exactly what the character is feeling. i was just as embarrassed as the girl crying about a soap-opera and hoped no one else in the room noticed me twitch.
>>side note: i hear he received an emmy for that role. he deserved it.<< style="font-weight: bold;">another hospital, i'm not going to like it. but i'm doing nothing right now. i'm being let go from work on sunday, i can't start classes again until the end of january... if i have a chance to really deal with these things that have been debilitating of my life since i learned to walk, this is the time for me to do it. one step at a time, right? i just really wanted to do this one on my own.

i used to be so humiliated by the fact that i have all this.....joke material. i mean, are you fucking kidding me? but i'm really beginning to see it a little bit differently. everyone's at a different level in life. it's sort of like high school classes: level 2, level 3, honors, ap... this is my level - we'll consider it ap. clearly, i'm able to handle all these challenges, or i wouldn't have them in my life. it's not a handicap, it doesn't make me any less of a human being... it's just what i have to do. life isn't easy for anyone, and i'd say i got pretty damn lucky with what my tasks are.
i've seen far too many patients who don't even have anyone supporting them through all of this and i realize just how good i've really got it. it kills me to see the way people are treated by their parents, their spouse/partner, their best friends... i've seen and heard some horrible things and i've seen how it demolishes a person's self-worth.

i find myself thinking about that part of marriage vows that say, "in sickness and in health." i keep thinking about all my friends struggling to keep their heads clear of those "voices" while having hourly battles with their husbands and wives. i keep thinking about my own parents and the circumstances i've had to witness them overcome to maintain their marital status. how much do vows mean to people nowadays? what does it mean about the original foundation of the relationship when a person walks away from those vows?
of course, there are millions of different circumstances and millions of different diseases. is the person helping themselves? if they're not, there's no question. but how do you tell. in all my treatment experiences, relationships come up a lot because you're always in at least one abusive one. and that abusive relationship always comes first. and it always wins. well, at least until that final straw.
i can't even imagine what i would do if i were married to someone who had an eating disorder. and i HAVE one! it blows my mind to try to imagine what it's like for people who have never had one and have to watch it. it hurts to think about what i've put the people i love through. how long do you fight a voice in someone else's head until you can't anymore?
and from the other side, of course, how long do you choose that relationship over the person you really love? there's a little bit of fight in all of us. most of us (in tx) know that what we're doing isn't right. we ALL know we can't have two relationships, though, most of us do try.
then, there have been the all-to-familiar relationships where both people are dependent on a disease. i've seen friends struggle with their spouse's drug addiction, alcoholism, si, even eating disorders. often times, they feed into each other. not so much enabling (though, that's also rather disturbing), but using each other as an excuse to continue with their own behaviors. "i've been supportive while you throw up your dinner. just let me have this one beer. you understand." and neither sees it. you can't see it on the inside. if for no other reason, you just don't want to.

relationships are hard. harder when you're trying to have more than one and one of them is with a disease that controls your thoughts and distorts the world around you. i think if i could be absolutely anything in the world, i would want to be a marriage counselor that specializes in couples dealing with illness. i feel like i could be a good mediator for that, being around it basically 7 days a week and having had those illnesses come between 2 relationships from either side.

i suppose, if i had to choose between having AN for the rest of my life, or OCD, i would choose the latter. AN will distroy everything i've ever worked for and everything i've ever wanted. oh, and it will more than happily kill me. OCD just makes me frustrated, but it won't kill me. i've killed the worse of the 2 before it killed me. and if i can't kill my oc's, i can at least learn to live with them so they're not suckin' the life out of me.

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