Tuesday, December 18, 2007

1 small step, 1 giant leap...both for me.

i did it. i cleaned out my closet. it was...actually, rather disappointing. a year ago, i cried while i desperately tried to pull size 0 pants up that i loved and angerly shoved them back into my closet, refusing to let go. this time around, i was frustrated when i had to put my size 1 pants back in the closet. size 3s? pssh. still huge.
i've gained *8 lbs* in less than 2 months. where the hell is it all going?? "your organs." yes, i get that. but i must be gaining weight elsewhere by now. except for some shirts, my clothes mostly all still fit the same. i'm still just as visibly bony. ...i'm too impatient for this :P i would love to just go to bed one night and wake up the right weight. with warning, of course. otherwise, i'd be scared shitless if i gained 18 lbs overnight.
you know what's odd...everyone always says that when you're recovering from an eating disorder, body image is the last thing to go. which, is almost like saying "it's always in the last place you look." especially when considering that eating disorders really have very little to do with weight. once you've accepted and grown and moved on from everything that built the foundation of the disorder, obviously, you can let go of the distorted body image.
so, if i have no problem with my body image (and my distortions had faded quite a while ago)... what does that mean? i think i'm at an odd in-between spot. it doesn't seem accurate to say i no longer have an eating disorder, but it doesn't seem appropriate to say i have one, either. i do know that, by definition, i am still considered an anorectic. but only barely. i guess my title remains as "recovering anorectic." but even that, i'll be perfectly happy letting go of.

It is not a sudden leap from sick to well. It is a slow, strange meander from sick to mostly well. The misconception that eating disorders are a medical disease in the traditional sense is not helpful here. There is no 'cure'. A pill will not fix it, though it may help. Ditto therapy, ditto food, ditto endless support from family and friends. You fix it yourself. It is the hardest thing that I have ever done, and I found myself stronger for doing it. Much stronger.
-wasted, marya hornbacher-

i've learned something new today. i know - it's been a while since i've had a fascinating revelation for you to read about ;) this lesson took one person to slam it into my head, and another to help me understand it. i can't change. i thought i had changed, but i guess that's not what happens. i've been learning, and i've been growing, and i've been gaining new tools. but i'm still me. which, you think i'd be happy to realize. and i guess i am, as long as i know i've grown and i can handle my obstacles much more gracefully. i guess i was hoping i wasn't still as emotional as i have always been. which is a ridiculous thing to think; that's who i am. the difference comes in being able to describe myself as a "beautifully sweet, very tender person" (as my mom so elegantly phrased it...somehow making it seem like a personality trait everyone would love to have) rather than... the "emotional wreck" i've been since i was 15.
while it's nice to know i'm no longer any form of a "wreck," i think i'd still prefer to be able to have more control over my tears. i used to... i didn't *always* cry every time something the least bit emotional happened. of course, i didn't always have so many things happening at once every day. maybe this is just part of the process.

it's taken me over 2.5 hours to complete this entry. thanks for distracting me, guys :P i'm tired as hell. i have a lot to do tomorrow, considering i got very little done today. goal for tomorrow: get out of bed before 10:30am. wish me luck.

1 comment:

Jody Kuchar said...

Best of luck to you as you find a true place in the world as you are - not as you perceive others see you.

I have many friends with eating disorders and know of their pain and the difficulty they have had getting back their self esteem and self worth.

Beauty is nice, brains are better. And your health is the most valuable thing that you have.