Sunday, December 9, 2007

what i've done.

thank you, ali, for finding tonight's picture. i don't usually read toothpastefordinner, but this one is rather relevent to our lives ;) however, and it's very weird for me to say this, i haven't really felt anxious in the past... well, definitely over a week. me, who invented anxiety. i've been rather calm, not easily angered (despite the stupidity i've witnessed in the past 16 hrs i've spent at the studio), and pretty easy going.

also, my mom made an interesting observation the other night that i didn't even pick up on. for the past 3 months or so, i've been extremely negative about pretty much everything. i was even annoying myself, but i really felt negatively towards everything around me so i didn't know any other way around it. but lately, i haven't been. like, at all. it's been much easier for me to be more optimistic about things. apparently she noticed after i was on alcott for a week. it's easier to not hate life when you have food in your system. clearly.

now, don't get me wrong. i feel like writing all of this makes it sound like i'm not me anymore. i'm not void of all negative emotion. i'm still sarcastic as hell, i still get angry, i still scream obscenities at people driving through waltham (because frankly, they're still all fucktards.) i'm just much better at getting over it. that's the important part. i haven't been able to get over things. i just kept... feeling the shit. does it have to do with health, or enlightenment? i guess it doesn't matter - i have most of both of things.

long way to go on health, still. i'm not sure of my weight, but i'll find out tomorrow. i'm still orthostatic most days, but that's far better than being orthostatic every day - which i have been since i was... probably 16. i hardly even feel it anymore unless it's really bad. but i've stuck to my meal plan probably more than 100%. i think hydration is just difficult for my body at this point.

as for another poor habit of mine, i got myself back on track my quicker than i thought i would. it's been bad the past couple days, but as of 11pm last night, i have done it once. the urge is kind of killing right now, but i'm fightin'. but you wouldn't be able to tell the past couple days were bad - which is important. it's awful when the urge is strong and i'm embarrassed to be talking to people because i feel like it's all they're looking at.

it's a good thing i never picked up smoking. i can't even imagine trying to quit something like that. and it's odd, because i don't have an addictive personality, but i guess you don't need one to have an addiction.

i'm very excited for this week. i'm working 30 hours (at most). however, i believe it's going to be my last week @ portrait.simple. it's already slowing down a lot. it was so slow today, i took a shopping break and was let off an hour and a half early. (well, i guess shopping implies that i bought stuff...) paulette said seasonal is usually let go the week before xmas, so it's time to start the job search. or continue it, rather. i've been looking for a while. i need to put an ad out. everyone keeps telling me that everyone is looking for retouchers right now, so why aren't i finding them? where do i look??

the best part of gaining crazy weight: emptying my closet and having an excuse to buy a whole new wardrobe. the downside: feeling guilty as hell for having to spend so much money on clothes. but it's really that, or continue wearing the same pair of jeans every day and having the same 3 shirts to choose between for work. although, i love those jeans... but i can't do laundry that often, so it's gwoss.

this was a long one. i apologize. it will probably happen again.

oh, hey, wish me luck! if my weight's gone up, i'll be graduating the day program and stepping down to iop on tuesday!! *fingers crossed...and eating cookies.*

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