Tuesday, April 22, 2008


i don't eat as much as i should, but it's not because i am afraid of food, or consumption, or gaining weight. i don't keep up with my meal plan because i don't want to fucking get up. having to buy food... having to actually stand at the stove and create something... oh god, having to wash everything afterwards? fuck that.

here i am, all this time, thinking i am the laziest person in the world. on top of not putting food together, i don't bring my rent to my landlord on time because i have to walk across the street to get there. when i don't have to be at work or school, i don't leave my room until about 3pm... if then. what a shitty feeling. i thought it was purely laziness.

i was diagnosed with ADD when i was in 7th grade. i self-diagnosed myself at age 12 after watching the similarities between my dad and i starting when he was diagnosed 5 years before. my teachers, like i do now, thought i was just lazy as hell and refused to believe that i had ADD. low and behold, i was properly diagnosed and put on medication... that i never took. i was inconsistent and i was young and medication did nothing for me. ritalin, stratera, concerta... none of it will work if you don't take it as prescribed. (ritalin just blows, though.) i gave up freshman year of high school.

lately, i am thinking, "i am never going to want to do anything. i don't want to work, i don't want to go food shopping, i don't want to walk into the other room." it never occurred to me that these were symptoms. i always thought that my symptoms were only that i couldn't concentrate during class.
apparently, my dad is just as awful. if he is off his concerta, he won't do shit, which is really rough on him because he is literally killing himself if he doesn't get up and move around. but on it, even with a fatal illness, he gets up, runs errands, goes for a walk, gets work done around the house... it sounds so simple.

i am talked to my NP yesterday. we have been talking about how to get my OCD under control, and the topic of trying ADD meds again has come up quite a few times. i talked to him about concerta, because whenever a medication works really well for a parent, it typically does just as well with the child. i am also starting to hear that ADD meds can help with OCD. anyone else know anything about this?

i need. to get off. my ass.

[disclaimer: "addorexia" is not a real diagnosis. it's not even a real word. i made it up, just like "drunkorexia" and "wannarexia". don't use it... you'll make a fool out of yourself.]


Rachel said...

I too self-diagnosed myself with ADD and then later got an official diagnosis of it. Still, this wasn't until just a few years ago. I wonder how I would have done in school and life had it been recognized much earlier in childhood.

I tried Concerta and Strattera. One of them, I don't remember which, is what I imagine they place in the candy dishes in hell. It made me so, so sick and did nothing for my focus and concentration.

I'm now on Adderall, which is made by the company my brother worked for for years and only recently left. I have had no bad side effects, except I have had to cut down my caffeine consumption because it's an amphetamine.

I find it really interesting that there exists links between ADD and eating disorders, too. I've blogged about this before on my site. Good luck getting your symptoms under control.

ADDulimic said...

I have ADDulimia.