for once, the shadows gave way to light.

we all have to go through our first break-up sometime. and it's painful every time, no matter how old you are or how long you've been together. we all end it differently, we all handle it differently. in this case, it was ended with an, "i hate you!" and handled with a nap. poor devin. he didn't mean it - he really loves ashley, but these things happen. he'll be ok. for those who don't know devin, he's turning 4 in 5 days - and he doesn't even know what that means. i love him :)

i think one of my frustrations is going to get a little better. i believe it was well-handled (even without DMing) and that's a giant load off for me. i think i'm really ready for confronting the other, as well. it's probably going to suck, but it's going to suck much worse if i don't take care of it. and like everyone keeps telling me, i need to do what's best for me, which i've always sucked at. now's the time to work on that. i'm feeling rather confident about it, too :)

i'm also working on my 'spoiled' nature. my mom doesn't usually mind. i'm the baby in the family, and i'm definitely treated like it. however, i'm sick of living like that. i've been helping out much more around the house and helping dad with whatever his pride will let him admit he needs help with ;) i've also been helping my mom cook and don't fight with stupid requests that used to make me angry. and i feel much better about myself knowing i'm being more active around here when i'm home.
as i write this, my mom's telling me how i'm much more caring. i've apparently been very self-absorbed for months - maybe a year. i guess that's part of illness, in general, not just mine. but i was apathetic towards mostly everything, there were few people i felt true compassion towards, and i was selfish and needy (which...we all know...we won't go too into that). it sucks that i came across as such to someone i care so much about, but i can't dwell on that. i've very willingly dedicated a lot of my time towards both of my parents since i've been doing well. i don't think my mom and i have spent so much time together since i moved out, but we need each other right now. i've learned a lot about family values in the past year or so and i'm trying to spend more time with mine right now. i feel rather ill-involved since i'm the only one not living in the house and i want to be around and be there for them more.

i have a list of goals to complete next week:

• call my temp agency and get some work.
• call my school and get things in order to return in january.
• get all of my work prepped and converted for my portfolio.
• clean my sensor (which i haven't done in months) and get (good) batteries for my flash.
• suck up the pain and pick up my guitar. i've got tough fingers :)
• clean up the house for new years.
• work on my essay - maybe finish it?
• make a... um... *deep breath*...a uh, dentist...appointment...

and finally, i'm in pain. like, serious physical pain. and i know how to make it stop. and i was doing fine, and then i wasn't...and then i did better, and then i blew it all. i'm going to do it if it tortures me. if people can quit heroin, i think i can do this. it's going to be slightly tortuous, but i'm sick of dealing with it and i do not want to go to a hospital. i don't want to go to anymore hospitals. no more residential. no more programs. i'm going to do this on my own. and i'm starting at 6pm tonight.
there... i'm breaking 2 OCD habits at once. i'm starting at a time that's not at the beginning of the week, not even the beginning of the day. i could even wait a little longer and start on the first of the year. or... i could just... quit. my mom used to tell me that if you can stop doing something for 31 days, you break the habit for good. and that would overwhelm me because i'd go an hour and think, fuck this... i can't do this for a month! one step at a time. starting with today. and if i can make it 4 hours, i get to wake up in the morning with more than 12 hours already passing where i don't do it. i'm going to need a lot of cortizone tonight... don't look at me yet :/