leave all our hopelessnesses aside...

i came to a few new realizations last night, during group. the first was that, HA, i'm really ok! to be blatantly honest, i really thought "winter break" was going to be difficult. winter break, in itself, was a habit i needed to break and i didn't know if i was ready and prepared to do so. but i can officially say: i have moved on from what was. i have moved on from the whole of the past and am ready for whatever is ready to come my way. everything from here on in is a new, fresh start. this realization started very specific and focused on that one aspect, but slowly, the idea of that growth in me seemed to apply to so many more aspects at once. it's like cleaning out my closet of all those clothes that don't fit anymore; or, that even still fit, but don't suit my style anymore. i don't need the extra bulk if it's useless to my well-being. so, here's to forming new - and healthier - habits. have i mentioned i love new beginnings?

my second realization stems from every addicts favorite cop-out: i can stop when i want.
if i wanted, i could put the bottle down. this'll be my last butt. one last cut. just a few more pounds, then i'll stop purging/start eating normal. but it becomes physical. your body needs it. it needs the alcohol, the nicotine, the rush of physical self-inflicted pain... the lack of nourishment. it learns to compensate on it's own. and it hates recovery just as much as you do.
when i reached 92 lbs, it became very difficult for me to continue losing weight. my metabolism because sluggish so that whatever food i did consume would stay in me longer. my body didn't know when it would be fed again - it had to hold onto whatever it could get. refeeding is a very painful process. the body despises it every bit as much as the psyche does. the stomach shrinks and refeeding forces it to expand at an incredibly agonizing rate. the metabolism begins to speed up with nourishment and can often go into overdrive, which must be matched by meal plan increases, or it will burn calories much quicker than they are being consumed. weight gain becomes a slow and extensive process that typically takes months.
i no longer consider myself eating disordered though, by definition, my diagnosis is still AN. i am mentally and emotionally recovered, and i can say that with a confidence i never would have dreamed i could. however, i am physically still sick. for the first time, it feels like a real disease. eating "normal" amounts of food causes me to drastically drop weight. i have to keep reminding myself that my body isn't ready for that, yet. i need to push myself past feeling satiated to keep gaining. it feels like i'm going to be on 2 ensure+'s a day for the rest of my life, but i am constantly reassured that, once i hit maintenance, my metabolism will balance itself and i'll be able to decrease my intake for the day. and that, my average-weighted friends, will be a fantastic day.
the bottom line, for those of you who are slightly slower on the uptake, is that i've completely let go. but it's been officially proven to me that i cannot just "stop when i want to." my body's trained and it's trying to hold on. now, i have to pull it out with me. and it's a rather exhausting process, but i've never had more fight in me in my whole life. so fuck you, ana.

this is emily rubenstein, and this has been your Radical Acceptance Report at Noon.
stay classy, waltham.

...if just for a little while.
i'm secretly on your side.

for once, the shadows gave way to light.

we all have to go through our first break-up sometime. and it's painful every time, no matter how old you are or how long you've been together. we all end it differently, we all handle it differently. in this case, it was ended with an, "i hate you!" and handled with a nap. poor devin. he didn't mean it - he really loves ashley, but these things happen. he'll be ok. for those who don't know devin, he's turning 4 in 5 days - and he doesn't even know what that means. i love him :)

i think one of my frustrations is going to get a little better. i believe it was well-handled (even without DMing) and that's a giant load off for me. i think i'm really ready for confronting the other, as well. it's probably going to suck, but it's going to suck much worse if i don't take care of it. and like everyone keeps telling me, i need to do what's best for me, which i've always sucked at. now's the time to work on that. i'm feeling rather confident about it, too :)

i'm also working on my 'spoiled' nature. my mom doesn't usually mind. i'm the baby in the family, and i'm definitely treated like it. however, i'm sick of living like that. i've been helping out much more around the house and helping dad with whatever his pride will let him admit he needs help with ;) i've also been helping my mom cook and don't fight with stupid requests that used to make me angry. and i feel much better about myself knowing i'm being more active around here when i'm home.
as i write this, my mom's telling me how i'm much more caring. i've apparently been very self-absorbed for months - maybe a year. i guess that's part of illness, in general, not just mine. but i was apathetic towards mostly everything, there were few people i felt true compassion towards, and i was selfish and needy (which...we all know...we won't go too into that). it sucks that i came across as such to someone i care so much about, but i can't dwell on that. i've very willingly dedicated a lot of my time towards both of my parents since i've been doing well. i don't think my mom and i have spent so much time together since i moved out, but we need each other right now. i've learned a lot about family values in the past year or so and i'm trying to spend more time with mine right now. i feel rather ill-involved since i'm the only one not living in the house and i want to be around and be there for them more.

i have a list of goals to complete next week:

• call my temp agency and get some work.
• call my school and get things in order to return in january.
• get all of my work prepped and converted for my portfolio.
• clean my sensor (which i haven't done in months) and get (good) batteries for my flash.
• suck up the pain and pick up my guitar. i've got tough fingers :)
• clean up the house for new years.
• work on my essay - maybe finish it?
• make a... um... *deep breath*...a uh, dentist...appointment...

and finally, i'm in pain. like, serious physical pain. and i know how to make it stop. and i was doing fine, and then i wasn't...and then i did better, and then i blew it all. i'm going to do it if it tortures me. if people can quit heroin, i think i can do this. it's going to be slightly tortuous, but i'm sick of dealing with it and i do not want to go to a hospital. i don't want to go to anymore hospitals. no more residential. no more programs. i'm going to do this on my own. and i'm starting at 6pm tonight.
there... i'm breaking 2 OCD habits at once. i'm starting at a time that's not at the beginning of the week, not even the beginning of the day. i could even wait a little longer and start on the first of the year. or... i could just... quit. my mom used to tell me that if you can stop doing something for 31 days, you break the habit for good. and that would overwhelm me because i'd go an hour and think, fuck this... i can't do this for a month! one step at a time. starting with today. and if i can make it 4 hours, i get to wake up in the morning with more than 12 hours already passing where i don't do it. i'm going to need a lot of cortizone tonight... don't look at me yet :/

the least complicated.

somehow, my "funny" pictures have turned more to sad, but really cute pictures. i like them, though :(

before i go into...whatever i'm writing about tonight (i didn't really have anything in mind, actually), i'd like to share my dad's blog with you. his entry is about a gift i gave him 7 years ago. it might not mean much to you guys, but it meant a lot to me, so i'm posting it :)
he also posted this story that was 17 years ago, but i guess my dad had the flu really disgustingly bad one year. he apparently had completely convinced himself that he was going to die and was scared out of his mind. so, one day, he was taking a nap on the couch, and he woke up to me sitting on the floor next to him holding his hand. now, obviously, i don't remember this. i was only 4. but it reminded me how much he really does mean to me. he always has, despite all the rough times we've been through. and i will continue holding his hand when he feels like he's not going to make it. and, when i can't, he has his Travel Buddy ;)

tonight, a new girl joined the IOP group. her name is gina and she's the first person i've met in treatment that had felt the "click" that i did. i forget if i had mentioned this in any past post or not, but every doctor i've spoken to about full recovery has told me that, whenever their patients fully recover, they always speak of something "clicking" where they just suddenly decide... they're done. it's over, and they're walking away. and i've HAD that click... but i had yet to meet any other patients that had as well.
and, tonight, i met gina. and i've finally met someone who's really on my level, and it was so refreshing to see someone else where i was. don't get me wrong - i love my group in a way i could never describe, but it really becomes difficult to hear how people are struggling so frantically and are having urges and using behaviors and i... well, i have no urges. and my life is going exactly how it's supposed to. and even when i'm upset or frustrated or sad about something, i'm still doing great. and at least a part of me still feels great. and i wish recovery was one of those things that i could take everyone with me. i wish they could all be where i am. but i guess... i did my time. and they'll have to learn the things i've learned on their own and in their own way.
it's just so difficult to watch people you care about so much struggle so hard to get through every day in their life. that fight hurts to watch. i can't even imagine what it's like to watch it when you haven't felt what it takes to fight like hell to keep your head above water. and it's a difficult thing for me to not let myself feel guilty what i've put the people i care about through. i do feel a little guilty. but it doesn't matter anymore, i suppose. and that's something i'll have to deal with on my own. that guilt isn't worth it. i've done all my fighting, and all i can do now is try to rebuild that trust i've lost with people who have watched me discharge from treatment programs 5 times now. how will you know this will be my last time? well... just watch me.

leave your conscience at the tone.

i've deleted both aim and adium from my computer. they're toxic and i need to take a break from them. i could just...not sign on, but they would still be there for me to get on, and i couldn't handle the temptation. i am the person who will sit and read down everyone's away message. i'm the person that will try to have a serious conversation and not know if someone's just multi-tasking, or blatantly ignoring me. carissa can tell you that you can never tell what a person means by what, and we have many angry logged conversations to prove it. i need a break. i'm finding myself lacking real human interaction lately and i'd like to bring that back into my life. if people want to talk to me, they will actually need to call me. it's too easy for someone to start a conversation online, and then i lose the chance to actually communicate with them. and i need to have real forms of communication right now.
i've become too addicted to interacting with people through aim and facebook and myspace. even an e-mail is more personal than that. i liked being away from my computer when i was on Alcott because i got to hear human voices more often. i'm beginning to learn that people actually need to hear other people's emotions. it's a comforting thing to be able to hear the tone in another human being's voice.
my mom keeps saying i need to stay focused on my needs right now, so i think this will be good. don't worry, i couldn't part with it forever, but i'm trying to rebuild relationships with people and i really don't feel like such an important thing in my life should be done through a text box no matter how much you can emphasize your emotion with a ;) or 72 pt text.
if you want to talk or make plans, you know my number. if you don't, and we're friends, i'm sure you know someone else that does. oh, and texting is ok. that's not a conversational thing.. people usually just use it for "ugh, this class sucks", "nutrition group makes me want to kill myself" (thanks, mandy ;) and "wanna hang out?/i'll be there in 10." perfectly acceptable.

it's also much easier to write and get work done when i don't have 10 IMs popping up in front of me. i might actually get off my computer before 3am at night.

that's as into that as i'll get. you can go back to not taking me seriously for this ridiculous icon i wish i hadn't found. enjoy your night :)

1 small step, 1 giant leap...both for me.

i did it. i cleaned out my closet. it was...actually, rather disappointing. a year ago, i cried while i desperately tried to pull size 0 pants up that i loved and angerly shoved them back into my closet, refusing to let go. this time around, i was frustrated when i had to put my size 1 pants back in the closet. size 3s? pssh. still huge.
i've gained *8 lbs* in less than 2 months. where the hell is it all going?? "your organs." yes, i get that. but i must be gaining weight elsewhere by now. except for some shirts, my clothes mostly all still fit the same. i'm still just as visibly bony. ...i'm too impatient for this :P i would love to just go to bed one night and wake up the right weight. with warning, of course. otherwise, i'd be scared shitless if i gained 18 lbs overnight.
you know what's odd...everyone always says that when you're recovering from an eating disorder, body image is the last thing to go. which, is almost like saying "it's always in the last place you look." especially when considering that eating disorders really have very little to do with weight. once you've accepted and grown and moved on from everything that built the foundation of the disorder, obviously, you can let go of the distorted body image.
so, if i have no problem with my body image (and my distortions had faded quite a while ago)... what does that mean? i think i'm at an odd in-between spot. it doesn't seem accurate to say i no longer have an eating disorder, but it doesn't seem appropriate to say i have one, either. i do know that, by definition, i am still considered an anorectic. but only barely. i guess my title remains as "recovering anorectic." but even that, i'll be perfectly happy letting go of.

It is not a sudden leap from sick to well. It is a slow, strange meander from sick to mostly well. The misconception that eating disorders are a medical disease in the traditional sense is not helpful here. There is no 'cure'. A pill will not fix it, though it may help. Ditto therapy, ditto food, ditto endless support from family and friends. You fix it yourself. It is the hardest thing that I have ever done, and I found myself stronger for doing it. Much stronger.
-wasted, marya hornbacher-

i've learned something new today. i know - it's been a while since i've had a fascinating revelation for you to read about ;) this lesson took one person to slam it into my head, and another to help me understand it. i can't change. i thought i had changed, but i guess that's not what happens. i've been learning, and i've been growing, and i've been gaining new tools. but i'm still me. which, you think i'd be happy to realize. and i guess i am, as long as i know i've grown and i can handle my obstacles much more gracefully. i guess i was hoping i wasn't still as emotional as i have always been. which is a ridiculous thing to think; that's who i am. the difference comes in being able to describe myself as a "beautifully sweet, very tender person" (as my mom so elegantly phrased it...somehow making it seem like a personality trait everyone would love to have) rather than... the "emotional wreck" i've been since i was 15.
while it's nice to know i'm no longer any form of a "wreck," i think i'd still prefer to be able to have more control over my tears. i used to... i didn't *always* cry every time something the least bit emotional happened. of course, i didn't always have so many things happening at once every day. maybe this is just part of the process.

it's taken me over 2.5 hours to complete this entry. thanks for distracting me, guys :P i'm tired as hell. i have a lot to do tomorrow, considering i got very little done today. goal for tomorrow: get out of bed before 10:30am. wish me luck.

my head feels congested.

sometimes, i sit in front of a blank text box for as long as 20 minutes. it's not that i don't know what to say, but more that everything i want to say is something that i don't want someone to read. but at the same time, writing it in my actual journal just doesn't seem to clear the thought. i need someone to read it. i never could figure out why there are things that we need to have other people hear. i guess, if we didn't, we wouldn't communicate with other human beings. but why are there personal things that, frankly, really don't affect anyone but ourselves, and yet we feel the need to have other people know what we're thinking? alright, well, they obviously do affect other people, but those aren't... why am i trying to explain this...

i feel like all of my emotions have been recreated. everything feels completely different, no matter what it is. before, all of my emotions were based on the foundation of me still hating myself. i let other people control my emotions. i convinced myself that my actions were only because ___ did ____. everything was too extreme. i believe they call it "all-or-nothing" thinking in DBT. if something seemed or felt the slightest bit off, everything was about to go wrong and my world was about to fall apart. if something went well, everything was amazing, i was manic, and could usually expect to crash within the next couple of hours. there weren't really "in between" emotions.
now, i'm able to keep myself grounded. if something amazing happens, i can keep myself from remaining level, from not getting my hopes to high about something, and to stay cautious. when i get upset about something, i can still remember how good my life is and that things are going to turn out ok. nothing is the end of the world.
even confusion blatantly opposite of how it used to. it's positive, now. when i would be utterly confused about a situation before, i always expected the worst. "i can't figure out the outcome, but this is the worst that could happen...and it probably will." and it usually did, because those were the thoughts i put in my head and i was subconsciously controlling that situation. now there are things i'm confused about and i find myself doing the exact opposite. "i don't know what's going to happen here, but if it went this way, it would be awesome. and this would be great... and i guess the worst possible outcome is this, but that seems rather unlikely." life's a little more fun when you're not expecting everything to fail. ok, a lot more fun. expecting everything to fail pretty much makes life suck.
but at the same time, i can keep myself level enough to know that, if the worst possible outcome is what happens, then that's what's going to happen. and i'll deal with it, and life goes on.

i think learning to keep myself level was one of the most important lessons i could have ever learned. i wish that was something i had picked up a long time ago. but i guess i wasn't supposed to. and it doesn't really matter anymore, as long as i'm able to do that, now.

i was supposed to clean today. but i was also supposed to sleep for more than an hour last night and be up and ready to get things done by 9:30a. shit happens.

one last thing...
i can't believe i came upon this quote in my book. i mean, i guess i can, because this is what the book's about. but i've been complaining about this unbearable feeling for as long as i can remember. and i know that no one could understand what i meant by saying that i felt that no amount of clothes could keep me warm any longer. it felt like the cold had made it's way down to my actual skeleton. but marya explains it in such a perfect way:

I'd read somewhere that if you made yourself a snow cave you could keep warm, the snow itself would keep out the cold of the snow, and I was so incredibly tired, willing my legs to keep walking. We were having a family outing and I didn't want to ruin it but I was so fucking cold. I wish I could find words to explain what this kind of cold is like- the cold that has somehow gotten in underneath your skin and is getting colder and colder inside you. It isn't an outside sort of cold; it's a cold that gets into your bones and into your blood and it feels like your heart itself is beating out the cold in hard bursts through your entire body, and you suddenly remember that you have a body because you can't ignore it anymore. You feel like an ice cube.

and that is why, when you hear me say i'm not cold anymore... it's not that it's nice outside. it's not that i have a warm enough coat on. for me to say i'm warm is a mind-blowing thing for me. this is how i know i'm ok.

in sickness and in health.

alright, i'm trying to use blogging as a distraction. i've been sitting with my lunch on my lap for nearly a half hour because there's something else my hands would rather be doing. (believe me...it's not dirty. don't make a joke.) so now i'm trying to type between bites, instead.
i'm really sick of this. alright, i give myself a LOT a lot of credit for how far of come in battling one disorder, but this one is still driving me absolutely insane. IF i get help, i can't do it until after i leave walden, anyways. my insurance will not allow me to be enrolled in two programs at once. so i would finish up with my eating disorder treatment and then move on to mcleans for their ocd program (which is supposidly the best in the country). i hear the way they help their patients is opposite action... which sounds like absolute torture, but it cures people. i wanted so badly to think i could do it on my own. some days are really unbearable, though.
if you've ever seen the episode of scrubs with michael j. fox... yeah... it's kinda like that. obviously, his was worse. a lot of people are like, "you have ocd? well, i've never noticed anything. it must not be that bad." it's not always so blatant. but it's just as torturous. there was a part at the end of the show where he's psychotically washing his hands and then he just... screams. and i twitched because i felt it. the same way girls cry when their soap opera counter-part gets dumped on her doorstep by her perfect-for-her ex-boyfriend. you feel it. you know exactly what the character is feeling. i was just as embarrassed as the girl crying about a soap-opera and hoped no one else in the room noticed me twitch.
>>side note: i hear he received an emmy for that role. he deserved it.<< style="font-weight: bold;">another hospital, i'm not going to like it. but i'm doing nothing right now. i'm being let go from work on sunday, i can't start classes again until the end of january... if i have a chance to really deal with these things that have been debilitating of my life since i learned to walk, this is the time for me to do it. one step at a time, right? i just really wanted to do this one on my own.

i used to be so humiliated by the fact that i have all this.....joke material. i mean, are you fucking kidding me? but i'm really beginning to see it a little bit differently. everyone's at a different level in life. it's sort of like high school classes: level 2, level 3, honors, ap... this is my level - we'll consider it ap. clearly, i'm able to handle all these challenges, or i wouldn't have them in my life. it's not a handicap, it doesn't make me any less of a human being... it's just what i have to do. life isn't easy for anyone, and i'd say i got pretty damn lucky with what my tasks are.
i've seen far too many patients who don't even have anyone supporting them through all of this and i realize just how good i've really got it. it kills me to see the way people are treated by their parents, their spouse/partner, their best friends... i've seen and heard some horrible things and i've seen how it demolishes a person's self-worth.

i find myself thinking about that part of marriage vows that say, "in sickness and in health." i keep thinking about all my friends struggling to keep their heads clear of those "voices" while having hourly battles with their husbands and wives. i keep thinking about my own parents and the circumstances i've had to witness them overcome to maintain their marital status. how much do vows mean to people nowadays? what does it mean about the original foundation of the relationship when a person walks away from those vows?
of course, there are millions of different circumstances and millions of different diseases. is the person helping themselves? if they're not, there's no question. but how do you tell. in all my treatment experiences, relationships come up a lot because you're always in at least one abusive one. and that abusive relationship always comes first. and it always wins. well, at least until that final straw.
i can't even imagine what i would do if i were married to someone who had an eating disorder. and i HAVE one! it blows my mind to try to imagine what it's like for people who have never had one and have to watch it. it hurts to think about what i've put the people i love through. how long do you fight a voice in someone else's head until you can't anymore?
and from the other side, of course, how long do you choose that relationship over the person you really love? there's a little bit of fight in all of us. most of us (in tx) know that what we're doing isn't right. we ALL know we can't have two relationships, though, most of us do try.
then, there have been the all-to-familiar relationships where both people are dependent on a disease. i've seen friends struggle with their spouse's drug addiction, alcoholism, si, even eating disorders. often times, they feed into each other. not so much enabling (though, that's also rather disturbing), but using each other as an excuse to continue with their own behaviors. "i've been supportive while you throw up your dinner. just let me have this one beer. you understand." and neither sees it. you can't see it on the inside. if for no other reason, you just don't want to.

relationships are hard. harder when you're trying to have more than one and one of them is with a disease that controls your thoughts and distorts the world around you. i think if i could be absolutely anything in the world, i would want to be a marriage counselor that specializes in couples dealing with illness. i feel like i could be a good mediator for that, being around it basically 7 days a week and having had those illnesses come between 2 relationships from either side.

i suppose, if i had to choose between having AN for the rest of my life, or OCD, i would choose the latter. AN will distroy everything i've ever worked for and everything i've ever wanted. oh, and it will more than happily kill me. OCD just makes me frustrated, but it won't kill me. i've killed the worse of the 2 before it killed me. and if i can't kill my oc's, i can at least learn to live with them so they're not suckin' the life out of me.

movin' on up.

leaving partial was slightly difficult yesterday. i've never known such an amazing group of people in my life. the things we go through together are things you can't explain. we see each other in a way that people outside of that room never get to see and it's such an amazing connection to have. i love you all to no end, and i hope you all get to join us up in iop.
i'm so excited for iop. from what i'm hearing, they have a great group up there right now and everyone is really at my level. it was starting to make me feel kind of awkward being so disconnected with the topic discussions in php, so this is going to be really good for me. they're all apparently very devoted to their recovery and letting go and moving on and living. and that's what i need to be surrounded with right now.

ahhbed.

i waited too long to update, and now i have 15 minutes before i have to knock myself out. and i haven't even eaten my pudding yet. whatevs.

oh, shit, but i have to work tomorrow so i actually have to get ample sleep. soo, i guess it's going to be one of those nights where i just run down a quick list of things. here goes:

• fuck ice.
• i hit 100 lbs!!
• tomorrow's my last day @ php.
• which means job searching becomes intense.
• tana and i bought our xmas tree today - very excited :D
• i got a little knot in my stomach... so i did what was long overdue.
• and that became an odd turnout...
• i've decided to not bring it up and see what happens...
• my patience really is wearing down - i think i actually cringed today.
• bex's present kind of made my day :)
• things keep changing. i like it. my life actually kind of feels exciting :)
• no, you can not. not interested, thanks.
• can we talk about how excited i am for new years?

what i've done.

thank you, ali, for finding tonight's picture. i don't usually read toothpastefordinner, but this one is rather relevent to our lives ;) however, and it's very weird for me to say this, i haven't really felt anxious in the past... well, definitely over a week. me, who invented anxiety. i've been rather calm, not easily angered (despite the stupidity i've witnessed in the past 16 hrs i've spent at the studio), and pretty easy going.

also, my mom made an interesting observation the other night that i didn't even pick up on. for the past 3 months or so, i've been extremely negative about pretty much everything. i was even annoying myself, but i really felt negatively towards everything around me so i didn't know any other way around it. but lately, i haven't been. like, at all. it's been much easier for me to be more optimistic about things. apparently she noticed after i was on alcott for a week. it's easier to not hate life when you have food in your system. clearly.

now, don't get me wrong. i feel like writing all of this makes it sound like i'm not me anymore. i'm not void of all negative emotion. i'm still sarcastic as hell, i still get angry, i still scream obscenities at people driving through waltham (because frankly, they're still all fucktards.) i'm just much better at getting over it. that's the important part. i haven't been able to get over things. i just kept... feeling the shit. does it have to do with health, or enlightenment? i guess it doesn't matter - i have most of both of things.

long way to go on health, still. i'm not sure of my weight, but i'll find out tomorrow. i'm still orthostatic most days, but that's far better than being orthostatic every day - which i have been since i was... probably 16. i hardly even feel it anymore unless it's really bad. but i've stuck to my meal plan probably more than 100%. i think hydration is just difficult for my body at this point.

as for another poor habit of mine, i got myself back on track my quicker than i thought i would. it's been bad the past couple days, but as of 11pm last night, i have done it once. the urge is kind of killing right now, but i'm fightin'. but you wouldn't be able to tell the past couple days were bad - which is important. it's awful when the urge is strong and i'm embarrassed to be talking to people because i feel like it's all they're looking at.

it's a good thing i never picked up smoking. i can't even imagine trying to quit something like that. and it's odd, because i don't have an addictive personality, but i guess you don't need one to have an addiction.

i'm very excited for this week. i'm working 30 hours (at most). however, i believe it's going to be my last week @ portrait.simple. it's already slowing down a lot. it was so slow today, i took a shopping break and was let off an hour and a half early. (well, i guess shopping implies that i bought stuff...) paulette said seasonal is usually let go the week before xmas, so it's time to start the job search. or continue it, rather. i've been looking for a while. i need to put an ad out. everyone keeps telling me that everyone is looking for retouchers right now, so why aren't i finding them? where do i look??

the best part of gaining crazy weight: emptying my closet and having an excuse to buy a whole new wardrobe. the downside: feeling guilty as hell for having to spend so much money on clothes. but it's really that, or continue wearing the same pair of jeans every day and having the same 3 shirts to choose between for work. although, i love those jeans... but i can't do laundry that often, so it's gwoss.

this was a long one. i apologize. it will probably happen again.

oh, hey, wish me luck! if my weight's gone up, i'll be graduating the day program and stepping down to iop on tuesday!! *fingers crossed...and eating cookies.*

"aw, fuck it. i don't want to be in this seat anymore."

it's becoming difficult for me to sit in php.
i mean, i do love being able to give advice and feedback
based on my own experiences and the fact that i've come through them,
and i love that i am no longer the one looking for it...
and i know that i should give it a little longer
because it's always better to stay past the point you think...
i'm just not connecting with the discussion anymore.
triggers? challenges? thought/body distortion?
nope. sorry. not here.
i'm just here for weight restoration.
which is happening.
so if i hit my goal for tuesday
(hopefully, higher...),
then meghan and i are going to have a talk.

the hardest to learn was the least complicated.

it's amazing to learn all these things i've been learning.
to grow the way i've been growing
and gain the wisdom about my life
that i fear too many people never get to gain
because they don't want to fight.
because they don't want to learn.
they want to sit, and dwell, and soak in the co-dependency.
i was there. i know why that's so comfortable.

and sometimes, it hurts to fight. and it hurts to learn.
but once you pull through that, it feels so amazing to know
that you can get through anything.
to feel that strength that physically flows in your veins
as soon as you're able to tell yourself,
i'm okay. and, for once, you believe it.

and now, i present you with
"what i learned about myself today"...

i become a whiny, needy 16-yr-old version of myself
when i feel out of control of an anxiety-provoking situation.
you all knew that. my family definitely knows it.
i knew that.
but i never knew where it came from,
and i figured it out today while talking to amy about
why people regress in different situation.
and now that i know why i do it,
and that there's a reason behind it,
i know exactly what to do to catch myself next time.
it doesn't happen often lately,
but when it does... it's horrifying.
and humiliating... because i know i'm doing it.
i just didn't know how to bring myself back.

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross."
-meredith grey-

...and i'll learn how to fly.

i've decided to give my future some freedom.
which took a lot for me to do.

i've been planning my future since i was 5.
it's changed a lot, but i always worked it out.

i was going to live in a box in manhatten
until i made it big on broadway.
then i decided i'd rather live in l.a.
in a roach-invested apt until i
make it big in the film industry.

i also planned on going to berklee...
i mean, emerson.
wait, i mean mt. ida.
wait, no, aib...

i stopped living here...at 21.
i started doing everything that
would aim me in the direction of
25...30...50...

photography hasn't even brought me
to where i planned it would.
it set me on a path in the right direction,
but now i'm looking at a new career focus.

things change. plans change.
i don't know where the hell
i'm going to be next week...
let alone in 5-10 years.
i have the typical hopes:
steady my career, get married, have kids.

i've been dreaming of california,
and maybe that's where i'd end up.
or maybe i'm not supposed to live there.
maybe i'm going to end up in colorado.
maybe i'm going to raise my kids in mass.
there's no way of telling,
but i'm going to stop guessing
and let things happen as they will.

it's really so much more fun
to let yourself be surprised, anyways.

food for thought.

me·tab·o·lism (mĭ-tăb'ə-lĭz'əm)
n.

The chemical processes occurring within a living cell or organism that are necessary for the maintenance of life. In metabolism some substances are broken down to yield energy for vital processes while other substances, necessary for life, are synthesized.
The processing of a specific substance within the living body: water metabolism; iodine metabolism.

i'm learning that all of these words,
pertaining to nourishment,
become a metaphor for life in general.

as i became more and more unhealthy, physically,
so did my thoughts...my attitude...my relationships...

as my body regains strength and volume,
as do my emotions...my outlook...my inspiration...

i'm learning how to take care of myself, physically.
how to feed myself and how to allow myself to eat.
but at the same time,
i'm also learning to voice what i need,
to take care of myself, emotionally.
i'm learning to depend on myself for validity.
to depend on myself for happiness and confidence.


whenever people would tell me how strong i am
to be able to fight through my disease,
i'd thing to myself, yeah, if only you knew
what i had to do to keep my head above water every day.
i'm weak as fuck.
but yesterday, timmy mentioned it.
and for the first time, i agreed.
i'm in control of my life now.
not my eating disorder.
not the people that i wanted
to hold my hand through everything.
me.

and it feels fucking incredible.